Pensacola, Florida. Two men are in custody after an assault on a parking enforcement officer in the city left the unnamed 47 year-old man in hospital with what’s being described by doctors as ‘complicated rectal injuries‘. The two assailants apparently followed through on an earlier threat to ‘shove‘ a ticket the officer had written out and stuck on one of their cars ‘where the goddamn sun don’t shine‘

Escambia County Sheriff’s Office arrested 52 year-old Kevin Lisby and 27 year-old Marcus Fish at Lisby’s Belvedere Park home after the pair fled on foot post-assault. They now face charges of threatening behavior, battery and indecent assault.

“People tell me they’re gonna ram my tickets up my a*s every day,” the parking officer told Fox10 News from his hospital bed. “They normally just talking sh*t. But these sonsabitches followed through on their threat through. Now I’m sh*tting tickets!” He laughed through the obvious pain. “Damn. I can see why they did what they did, though. No one likes getting a ticket, do they…?”

Pensacola’s Deputy Sheriff Chris Perry was quick to make the point to the media during his press release that, while the story may seem funny, assaults like these are to be taken very seriously. “It’s tempting to laugh at the story, but these tickets are actually pretty big. Even balled up pretty tight, these things are not small. You’re looking at the size of a squash ball. Minimum.”

Lisby’s attorney James Gamill spoke on behalf of his client. “Kevin says that he did warn the man and, while he realizes that him and Marcus’ actions were wrong, in his defense – they were only in that 7-Eleven for five minutes.”

The men are expected to go on trial next month. The parking officer has taken early retirement and plans to never write another ticket again.